Trying to keep myself awake

It’s one of those days. There’s not much for me to do at work until I get some information back from someone else (that’s pretty much how it always is). I feel like I could take a nap, but that would just continue the vicious cycle of inadequate sleep at night.

I take Tylenol Simply Sleep pills almost every night, causing me to wake up with a feeling that I haven’t slept at all, even if I got 7-8 hours. I feel like if I don’t take the pills, however, I will end up staying awake until 2 or 3 in morning, ruining the night anyway. At least with this method I’ll get a healthy amount of sleep.

When I get up at 8 a.m., I give myself about 20 minutes to throw on clothes, gather up my food for the day and head out the door. On the ride to work, I pop an ephedrine/caffeine pill; half an hour later, I feel rested. Fast forward to around 1 or 2 p.m., and I’m back to “normal.”

When I get in this sluggish, umotivated, bored mood, I start thinking about my weight loss progress over the last month. Can I keep this up? Am I going to have the energy to exercise? Blah.

I don’t even feel like continuing this post. I hate afternoons more than mornings.

A bad day for weight loss

I suppose days like this are good to keep my body guessing and my metabolism as its potential.

The co-workers and I went to an Indian buffet to celebrate my office mate’s baby (they’re inducing labor next week). Despite all my new feelings about food, I ended up eating 1700-ish calories (purely a guess). It was worth it, but my biggest mistake was eating nothing before and, so far, nothing after. I also forgot to take my ephedrine/caffeine, so after lunch I could barely function. That could be blamed on the sudden withdrawal, the heavy lunch, or the fact that I might’ve overdone it on the exercise. 30 minutes of cardio followed by near-total-body weight training at the gym.

I left work early and went home to take a 2-hour nap since nothing was going on today, at all. In fact, nothing has been going on for the past 2 weeks. Ever had those days at the office?  The first two days of nothing are refreshing and fun, but after that you start to get bored, and then downright concerned about the necessity of your job.

It’s 7:40, and I’m still debating whether I should do my cardio today. The exhaustion pre-nap might’ve been my body telling me I needed to rest. To walk or not to walk? Or I could do the punching bag today.

In other news,

It seems as though my blog has been getting quite a few hits from a single search term: meathead. I mentioned my disdain for the meatheads at the gym in a previous post, so I can imagine that’s garnering some reads. For those of you who’ve made it to my blog via a random search term, feel free to comment on my posts.

Love advice with Smacksfrog part II

Dear Smacksfrog,

My fiancée has turned into a Bridezilla. We’ve been engaged for over a year, and we plan to get married next summer. But she’s already started to plan the wedding and has me and her bridesmaids acting as slaves to her. I understand all women get this way before a wedding, but I never thought my fiancée would be one of those types. She’s generally laid back, almost lazy sometimes. But damn, not with this wedding. She’s already told me I have to drop one of my groomsmen because he wouldn’t look good in photos!

She’s been treating me like a ghost, like I am a trivial part of all this. I swear, someone else could show up to the wedding and stand in my place and she wouldn’t even notice. Am I supposed to take this crap and just let her be a bitch for the next 11 months?

- Run Ragged

Dear Ragged,

This might be one of the douchiest things I’ve ever said, but you need to man up. Your question should read: “If she’s being unbearably selfish throughout the wedding planning process, should I reconsider marrying her?”

Answer: Yes.

I hear about it all the time: “My fiancée’s being a selfish bitch,” or more specifically, “She disapproves of my groomsmen selection” and “She’s treating her friends like common garbage, and they’re just taking it.”

Some people will shrug it off as the norm and say she deserves to get what she wants and call the shots. After all, this is her special day and should be perfect down to the last detail.

And if it isn’t perfect, God help us all. Right? Wrong.

My take on this is simple. If she’s being a monster about perfecting half a day’s worth of activities 11 months ahead of time, it’s probably a good sign that she a) cannot handle responsibility, b) has a repressed materialistic attitude, c) has undisclosed visions of married life that you don’t agree with, and d) is not fit to be your wife.

Granted, these are generalizations, possibly of a more extreme nature than I’m considering at this moment, but your question shows me you’ve reached a threshold of tolerance that most men would ignore because they think all women are selfish by nature.

Your question is whether you have “to take this crap” until the wedding, and I don’t think you do. I don’t think any man does.

Despite the day being primarily about the bride, this doesn’t give her the right to let go of her inhibitions and crap on everybody’s efforts. A bride-to-be should have the ability to rationally dictate the makings of the big day while maintaining her dignity. She has the right to make realistic requests of her wedding party, set reasonable deadlines for milestones, and plan for preliminaries within the realm of humaneness. The bride-to-be is essentially a boss, and a bad boss doesn’t get very far.

Your fiancée has no right to tell you who can be your groomsmen, especially not on the basis of aesthetics. She should make an effort to include you in the planning process, and you should make an effort to participate. You should be acknowledged as half the reason this wedding is taking place. You should be able to continue a healthy relationship with her – the same healthy relationship you had before the engagement – uninterrupted. If these things are not within her capabilities, you are not actually in a healthy relationship.

Brides argue that they have a right to be selfish and nasty “just this once” because it’s the “one day” that’s all about them.

Bull shit.

Women are allotted many days throughout their lives on which the world should revolve around them – birthdays, Valentine’s Day, pregnancy, Mother’s Day, anniversaries, just to name a few. They are well-deserved days, but the attention should be received with the same level of dignity each time.

With your fiancée, one thing’s for sure: This attitude is a precursor to her evolution as a wife, and there are plenty more “special” days to come.

And now for the advice: Show her this post. There is no nice way around this. She’s being unbearable, and if you are absolutely sure she’s the woman you want to marry, you have to let her know what you think about her new behavior. Then let her go whine to her bridesmaids about it and hope that one of them is heroic enough to take your side. And make it clear that there’s a real possibility of you dropping out of all this. Despite your ghost-like presence, there actually can’t be a wedding without you

Welcome to week 5 of weight loss

It’s easy, but at the same time, it’s pretty fucking hard.

I haven’t fallen off the wagon yet. I always eat more calories on the weekends, but I like to hold on to the personal theory that  “cheating” once a week will prevent my metabolism from slowing down. In fact, I’ve made a science of it. I do it for that reason. Plus, I don’t want to deprive my wife of restaurant dining for the rest of her life. 

The eating part of my new plan is easy. Hell, I eat all day now. I start with some kind of Weight Watchers frozen breakfast and some yogurt, then a couple hours later I have fruit, then a Weight Watchers lunch, then fruit again, then oatmeal, then it’s dinner time (another low-cal meal). After that, I usually have a bowl of 94% fat free popcorn or a meal bar. All of that still only adds up to 1500 calories.

And then there’s the hard part. Am I eating enough calories? Some say no, because of this little thing called “Starvation Mode,” while I read other stories that document obese people who lost over 100 pounds with similar caloric intake.

Starvation mode is basically the process of your body adjusting to the low calorie intake and conserving most of the energy you put in rather than burning it off as usual.

…..

UPDATE: I had over a thousand words typed up. I talked about my weaknesses, my addiction to food, my pessimistic views on weight loss, and my new outlook on eating. When I clicked publish, wordpress had logged me out. All that beautiful text is gone.

So, a little word of advice: write your shit in a word processor and save it.

Since the post was mostly rambling and learning about myself along the way, I’ll treat this as an opportunity to rewrite my thoughts coherently post-epiphany.

Most dieters seem to have trouble giving up the small edible pleasures, like soda, chocolate, and other sweets; additionally, these same people might hate vegetables, whole grains, and fish. Those who successfully overcome their cravings (or at least learn to moderate them) tend to lose a significant amount of weight. But I don’t crave chocolate very often, I always take my coffee black, and I stopped drinking soda years ago. I love most foods and have no problem eating vegetables, fish, and whole grains. In fact, I dislike the following everyday foods in their unaccompanied form: Milk, cream cheese, and… I think that’s it. Restaurants would love me as a food critic. I only judge the food harshly if the service sucked.

Does this mean that I’m well on my way to success since my brain doesn’t have to battle any insane withdrawal symptoms? Or does it mean my body is accustomed to going without these things, making weight loss even more difficult since I don’t have as many sacrifices to work with?

Just because I can drink water and eat vegetables and grains all day long, however, doesn’t mean I am without weaknesses. Fats and carbs are my little demons. I’d eat a baked potato with butter, sour cream, cheese, and bacon bits at every meal if I could. French fries are amazing – the thicker the better. I am known to eat a bowl of plain white rice or pasta, seasoned with some butter, garlic, and salt. I can eat fried shrimp like popcorn. I’ve finished an 8-piece from Popeye’s many times.  I invented fourth meal. I loved going home from the bar at 1 a.m. with a bag full of Taco Bell to munch on in front of late-night infomercials.

Food made me happy. I have a loving wife, a good job (how many people can say they’re in the job they’ve wanted since grade school?), a house, two dogs, wonderful friends and parents, and talent in music and writing. But food made me happy. What?

I looked forward to date night with my wife for the restaurant food, movie popcorn, the late night ice cream, etc. I left work excited about the large pizza I planned to order that night and eat by myself while the wife was at work. I’d choose a buffet over a regular restaurant any day. Sometimes, I’d drive aimlessly around town at dinner time, trying to decide on what I wanted to get. I had been to all the drive-throughs so many times that I just couldn’t figure out what I was craving anymore. The result of this trip was usually various items from 2-3 different places. I wondered what those cashiers thought of me when they saw the other food bags sitting in the passenger seat with no passenger. But I didn’t care either way.

Does that sicken you? It finally sickens me, too.

I’ve given that up. I’m in my fifth week, going strong. I suppose these confessions are better saved for when/if I actually succeed at losing all this weight, but maybe by getting it all out right now, I’m showing myself what I would be going back to if I gave up.

Today, after work, I could skip the gym and the one-mile brisk walk around the block and instead order a large supreme pizza to keep me busy while I watch TV until I fall asleep. This is the first time in my life that such a thought sounds terrible to me rather than comforting.

I had to convince myself to hate that style of eating. Otherwise, nothing would’ve stopped me from going back. I’ve always been an independent person who hates to be told anything. I tried various diets, lasting a week on average. They were all crash diets, and all equally as pointless. Instead of cutting portions, I was eliminating most foods. Ever heard of the cabbage soup diet? Did it. Atkins? Sugar Busters? Hollywood diet? Metabolife pills and shakes? Did ‘em. And let’s not forget the Slim Fast diet, the Special K diet, and probably a few more whose details lie among the brain cells I lost during all these deprivation attempts.

I won’t say these diets don’t work, because most of them didn’t enjoy my presence long enough to produce results. On every single diet, the misery and cravings always brought me to the same conclusion: Why am I trying to lose weight? Who says I have to? I don’t think I need to, so fuck this. I’m gonna make my way in life using brains, not looks. The rationalization of an addict.

Back to Taco Bell I went.

Given my independent, spiteful nature, I knew the only way to succeed this time was to give myself a reason to fight back against the temptation of eating for pleasure. So I gave myself a mental scrub down, admitted all my poor eating habits, looked at myself as a judgmental spectator, and dealt with my fear of death. If I don’t stop eating like a disgusting pig, I’m going to die. My ego can’t handle that. There are too many things I want to accomplish before I die, and I need as much time as I can get. My list of desired accomplishments does not include falling asleep with an empty chicken bucket in my lap. Who the fuck wants that?

What the hell is the point of obsessing over food, the fuel that allows us to enjoy the rest of what life has to offer? Just get it and go. I’ve spent my life standing at the gas pump while everyone else is out enjoying the drive.

Half done with week 4 of weight loss plan

NOTE: This post is long. However, if you’re on a weight-loss journey yourself and are interested in seeing my philosophy, I encourage you to read it. Additionally, if you’ve completed a long weight-loss journey yourself and would like to offer some tips, please read this post and point out any facts I’m missing.

—–

Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. I have a one-track mind. I’ve been on this diet/exercise kick for the past three weeks (see previous post), so my priorities have consisted of that and going to work. I even stopped working on my novel, which is pretty depressing.

BUT, I am losing weight! When I last posted, I said it was doubtful that exercise would be incorporated in my plan. After that post, I changed my mind and joined a gym. There’s a Snap Fitness close to my house, taking away most of my excuses for avoiding exercise. So I went in there and bought a six-month membership. This is my exercise plan:

Monday, Wednesday, Friday (gym days)
Treadmill: 20 minutes, 3 or 3.5 miles per hour, varying inclines between 0%, 2%, 3.5%, and 5%.
Chest Press: 2 sets, 10-15 reps
Leg Curls: 2 sets. 15-20 reps
Arm Curls: 2 sets, 10-15 reps
Leg Press: 2 sets, 15-20 reps
Ab Crunch: 2 sets, 25-30 reps

Tuesday, Thursday
1-mile walk/jog around the block

I have yet to complete a week sticking to this plan. The first week, I joined the gym mid-week and only worked out for two days. The second week, my wife’s father died and there was a lot going on, which gave me an easy excuse not to work out, though I managed to get one gym session in. Week three, I had a tight deadline to finish a project at work, leaving me mentally exhausted and leaving work at 7 p.m. each day. I got one gym session in. And now it’s week four. If I work out today, I am on track to complete my routine.

In addition to the exercise, I am sticking to a 1500-calories-a-day diet, consisting of fruit, smoothies, yogurt, wheat bread, chicken, tuna, wheat pasta, salads, oatmeal, and frozen healthy choice and weight watchers meals. So far, the diet has been fairly easy, which leads me to believe I am not doing something right.

I do cheat on the weekends. Instead of my usual eating routine, I sleep late and my wife and I head to the local bakery for the potato salad and soup or sandwich, or we might go out to a restaurant. Even so, I manage keep it under 3000 calories (usually less), and my body burns 3,500 calories a day just doing regular activities like driving, sleeping, eating, and watching TV, so I’d say this is a pretty good calorie deficit even on those cheat days. The exercise will supposedly activate my metabolism.

I joined SparkPeople.com as per my wife’s suggestion, and it has helped me track my calorie consumption pretty accurately. I do get frustrated that certain foods aren’t on there and I have to enter them manually, but overall it’s a useful tool. It’s much more convenient than creating an Excel spreadsheet that would end up becoming colossal before the end of the year.

Oh yeah, and I’m taking an ephedrine/caffeine/aspirin pill twice a day, except on weekends. Interestingly, I’ve cut my coffee consumption from 2-3 cups per day to 1-2 per week. It’s not entirely necessary, however, as I always drink it black or with Splenda.

The process is not without its challenges, and here are mine:

1. Conflicting Opinions — and I mean about everything. Spend a few hours Googling healthy diet plans, the meaning of calories, which type of foods are more important, whether carbs are good or bad, how many minutes of cardiovascular exercise “counts,” whether eating before exercise is beneficial or detrimental, whether caffeine hinders or stimulates fat loss, and so on. If you read enough articles, you might even be convinced that your best efforts are futile. My exercise routine is burning calories and getting my blood flowing, and my calories are lower and healthier. Four weeks ago, I was sedentary and eating fast food three times a week. Why wouldn’t my recent changes cause me to lose weight?

2. Exercise — This coincides with my weeks of reading conflicting opinions. I’m doing 20 minutes of cardio each day, getting my heart rate up to the 160bpm range, and then I go online to read that you have to do at least 30 minutes for it to count. What? Those calories I burned don’t count? I am not reaping the benefits of exercise because I haven’t quite hit the half-hour mark? On top of that, I’m doing weight training as described above, and I have no idea if I’m doing the right exercises. My muscles do feel tighter, so I guess there’s progress to be noted.

Douchebag who spends an entire afternoon in the gym as opposed to going to work.

3. Gym Rats/Meatheads — They are a minor annoyance for obvious reasons. They hog half of the gym just to check each other out in the mirror. I don’t like to say I’m an insecure person, but seeing these guys in the gym all day makes me less willing to go and try to better myself. I feel watched and silently judged; sometimes I want to jog a little on the treadmill but am reluctant to draw attention to myself. I thought about going in the morning, since that’s when most of the young professionals who just want to be fit choose to work out, but I just can’t wake up that early. I’ve tried and failed.

4. Independence — I don’t mind if my friends know that I’m trying to lose weight, and I don’t care if they make a conscious effort to choose a restaurant that has healthier options, but that’s where it should stop. I don’t need advice unless it’s from someone who personally overcame their obesity through diet and exercise. None of my friends fit that category, so I don’t want to be told what I should eat when there’s a menu in front of me; I don’t need to report to them my exercise progress or clarify whether a food I’m eating is within my self-alotted calories. I’ve always been independent when it comes to pursuing my goals. Even if I ask for advice, I always do what I think is best for me either through research or experience.

See challenge #1. Anything a friend tells me about dieting or exercising is simply one out of the dozens of opinions I’ve already read online. At worst, it’s terrible advice, and at best, it’s already been considered. I’ve quickly learned that when it comes to body image, everyone has a different agenda in mind. My goal is to slim down and try to reduce or eliminate my risks for obesity-related diseases and other complications. My friend’s goal might be to bulk up and look muscular or develop a swimmer’s body. There are countless diets for countless goals, and if an individual offers me advice based on his own goals, it’s going to frustrate both of us. Me, because it’s yet another conversation that requires me to nod, smile, and pretend to care; him, because he’ll quickly realize I have no intention of taking his advice, which, to him, is the only way I’ll reach my goal — never mind the fact that he doesn’t know my goal.

Are they the enemy?

5. Carbs — On a typical weekday, I’ll have some dry Total cereal and a 6-oz. container of nonfat Yoplait yogurt for breakfast. For a mid-morning snack, I’ll have a piece of fruit, either an apple, some grapes, a grapefruit, or a banana. For lunch, I have either a six-inch low-fat sub from subway, a weight watchers/healthy choice frozen meal, or a big green salad with tuna or chicken and fat free dressing. For an afternoon snack, I’ll have either flavored oatmeal or a special K protein bar. Dinner is about the same as lunch, and if I haven’t hit 1500 calories yet, I will have another snack, either low-fat popcorn, a special K protein bar, or PB&J on wheat.

If you know something about food, you’ll notice that pretty much every food I named has carbohydrates, some more than others. Some of those carbs come from sugars, like the flavoring in my yogurt and oatmeal and the Special K protein bar, and natural sugars like the fruit. Other carbs come from the pasta in the frozen meals and the whole grain breads I eat.  There are conflicting opinions about whether these carbs will hinder my weight loss. To generalize my findings on Google, personal trainers/body builders want me to say no to carbs, and doctors say half or more of my calories should come from carbs. Some studies say cutting carbs allowed obese patients to lose weight faster, while other studies suggest that a high-carb diet is better for weight loss because people who eat more carbs tend to consume fewer calories, which leads to the concept also touted by doctors/researchers that “a calorie is a calorie.” I translate this concept to: “A calorie is a calorie, as long as you aren’t wasting them on soda, candy, cake, and fried foods.” Please chime in if I’m wrong.

 6. The scale — I started out at 388-ish pounds when I first weighed myself, and when I weighed myself this morning, I was 379.6 pounds. I’ve lost about 8 pounds in three and a half weeks. Perhaps I’ve lost more, since I purchased the scale a week and a half into the weight loss plan. Technically, this weight loss is faster than what is recommended (1-2 pounds a week), but what concerns me is that I expected to drop a lot of initial water weight and then start burning fat at a rate of 1-2 pounds a week. This seems more like a steady loss, and I’m worried that it’s going to slow down drastically.

Overall, I would like to think that my path is a good one and that I will be 100 pounds lighter this time next year.

And I promise to update more frequently.