Afraid to even step on the scale

I had a fantastic Christmas. I left work at around 3 p.m. on Tuesday and didn’t come back until this morning. From Wednesday to Sunday I ate like crap. Holiday candy, restaurants, buffets, shakes, more restaurants, and lots of snacking. I was around 362 pounds a couple of weeks ago. Wednesday’s weigh-in  is going to be tough.

I got a Wii for Christmas, plus a total of $650 in Christmas money between my wife and me. So, we used that money to buy a shitload of games. We have the following games, in no particular order:

1. Wii Sports — it comes with the console. Fun at first but quickly gets old. I got burnt out on it a long time ago when my friends first got a Wii.
2. Link’s Crossbow Training — this is a target-shooting game that came with the Wii zapper (a gun chassis for shooting games). There’s a lot of criticism on the Internet about how pointless the zapper is and that it’s insulting that Nintendo would think its customers would pay $20 for a plastic attachment. I disagree. The zapper makes shooting games MUCH easier and keeps my hand steady. Plus, Link’s Crossbow Training is actually fun.
3. Guitar Hero III — I’m not very good at this game, but I’m determined to get better. Right now, Medium mode is a little too easy for me, and Hard is too difficult most of the time (goddamn orange button). I feel like my time would be better spent perfecting my skills with a real guitar, but oh well. I probably won’t be as good as those pathetic guys who can do 90-100% on expert, but a respectable skill level is within reach. Never mind, Guitar Hero and respectable don’t really go together.
4. Guitar Hero World Tour — Much more fun because the music is actually recognizable to me, and the songs are original whereas its predecessors use re-recorded songs by singers who kind of sound like the original artist. More features, and I might actually get the other instruments.
5. Call of Duty World at War — I’ve always been obsessed with CoD, so I was very much excited to find that CoD for Wii incorporates a realistic shooting style and online play. I use the Wii Zapper for this, and I’m still getting used to the controls, but I have a feeling I’ll be playing this game the most because of the online multiplayer.
6. The Price is Right — My wife wanted this. It’s alright, but I can’t believe it was $40.
7. Soulcalibur — I love Soulcalibur, but the Wii version is a little too basic for me. The Wii-mote sword fighting is fun but it takes away the skill and strategy of the game. My wife, who rarely plays any fighting games, beat me just from waving the Wii-mote wildly in the air.
8. No More Heroes — An assassin/anime-style game. The high reviews are a little deceiving. I really like the game because of the cool fighting style, the graphics, and the violence, but it’s repetitive. There are only two different types of “goons” to kill (they all say the same two phrases), and the bosses are the typical “find-the-pattern, dodge-and-strike” type. There are also side games you have to play to earn money, and they are more irritating than fun.
9. Super Smash Brothers Brawl — I don’t understand the high reviews. Sure, it’s a fun game and there are even more characters this time around, but I was disappointed with the controls. You can literally plug in a GameCube remote and play it. I was expecting the game to incorporate the Wii-mote capabilities, but it’s basically a sequel to its GameCube predecessor. I’ll be playing it a lot, however, since it’s a great party game and I don’t own a GameCube.
10. Dance Dance Revolution: Hottest Party — I got this for the exercise. There’s nothing new or great about it except the annoying hand moves and gimmicks (I turned all that shit off). I just want to do fun cardio at home.

Wii shall be my life for a while.

Yack

Of course, the week that I turn my poor gym habits around, I get a stomach virus.

Back in the game (weight loss, week 13)

Yesterday, after feeling sorry for myself for pigging out for four days and not going to the gym for two weeks, I decided to start doing what I did in the beginning.

When I first start this in September, I took an ephedrine/caffeine/aspirin pill twice a day except on weekends. It made me feel good initially — wide awake for most of the day and ready to work out after I got home from the office. After a month of taking it, I stopped because I kept reading about how caffeine can actually hinder weight loss. Plus, I missed my daily coffee (If I drank coffee while on the ephedrine/caffeine pill, I felt nauseous and tense.)

For a couple of weeks, I didn’t drink coffee or take the pill. But of course, I was addicted to caffeine and couldn’t tolerate the withdrawal headaches for long. Unfortunately, coffee during the day means a horrible evening crash. My gym attendance declined, my appetite increased, and I felt like crap.

So, this morning I took the pill again. Then again in the afternoon. At work I felt a little too overanxious. I was trying to accomplish more than my brain could process (I think had about 15 windows open on my computer). In the evening, I was able to harness that energy and go to the gym. I got on the elliptical and worked out for 35 minutes at 80-85% of my maximum heart rate, burning just over 600 calories.

Honestly, I really don’t understand why I don’t go to the gym every day. Sure, the half hour of sweating isn’t the most wonderful thing in the world, but I feel great for hours afterward.

I want to try working out in the morning, but I can’t bring myself to get up earlier than I have to. Anyone have any tips for that (besides going to bed earlier; I learned that no matter what time I go to bed, I cannot get up to an alarm)?

Tomorrow is weigh-in day. Last Wednesday I was 362.3 pounds. A lower number than that tomorrow would be great, but I’m not counting on it.

Really fell off the wagon…

I suppose these posts are starting to all sound the same. Overeating, not exercising, no self control, will power out the window, etc.

The past four days, I’ve completely neglected my diet. It all started Thursday, when it snowed here. And if you don’t think there’s anything special about snow, let me add that it has snowed here twice since I’ve been alive. Once in 1988 and again in 2001. This was said to be the heaviest snow in over 50 years.

Anyway, my power went out. I didn’t go to work that day either, so my food options were either canned Tuna or one of the very few fast food places that were still open after the snow. Of course, I opted for pizza, and everything just spun out of control since then.

Since I’m not really up to the task of logging all of this on SparkPeople, I’ll just list my food intake here.

Thursday
Lunch
Half of a medium Pizza Hut Supreme Pan pizza (1,000 calories?)
Dinner
Large fried catfish platter (1,600 calories?)
Snack
1 cookie (200 calories)

Friday
Breakfast
Smoothie King Island Impact Smoothie (300 calories)
Lunch
Ham/Turkey sandwich, potato chips, chocolate chip cookie, three pieces of fudge, and two fig newtons (1200 calories?)
Dinner
Office Christmas party food and 5 Crown Royals on the rocks (2000 calories?)
Late Night Drunk Munchies
Taco Bell Nachos and Grilled Stuffed Burrito (1,300 calories)

Saturday
Breakfast
Coffee shop mocha, a banana, two slices of toast with peanut butter, mini sausages (850 calories)
Lunch
Roast Beef Poboy with fries (1000 calories?)
Dinner
Other half of the pizza, a Turkey Leg and 100-cal pack chocolate covered pretzels (1,600 calories)

Sunday
Lunch
Mexican restaurant fajita tacos w/ beans and rice and queso dip with chips (1800 calories?)
Snack
Peach Slice Plus smoothie (360 calories)
Dinner
6-inch roast beef blimpie sub and a turkey leg (850 calories)

That averages to about 3,515 calories per day for the last four days. According to BMR calculators, that’s only slightly more than what I burn in a day. Still, like I’ve said before, if I manage to become successful at dropping even half of what it would take to reach my ideal weight, these binge days are going to be far more detrimental than they are now.

I’m very embarrassed about my major slipup. I can’t seem to control my trigger, which is any change in my normal weekday routine. If I had gone to work on Thursday, I would’ve eaten exactly what I should eat. But because my routine was interrupted by snow and a power failure, I spiraled out of control.

But, my friends, today is Monday, which means the routine has returned to normal and my eating habits are again healthy. Now if only I could get myself to the gym.

Slipping (weight loss, week 12)

Not with my diet, but with exercise.

I still eat my usual calorie range. I have cheat meals on the weekends, but I never eat more calories than I burn (Thanksgiving being the exception). I am eating decent food. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains. Even the frozen meals I’ve become so dependent on are healthy in terms of calories and nutritional value. I’ve taken a liking to the organic frozen meals made by Kashi, Amy’s Kitchen, and Archer Farms, all of which contain “food” ingredients instead of flavorings and chemicals.

I haven’t fallen back into any unhealthy eating patterns because I allow myself to go out to eat once a week. I’m proud of myself for being able to do that and make it a habit.

If only I could do so well with exercise.

At first, I was going to the gym several times week. It’s close enough to my house that I can’t make any excuses about inconvenience, but I’m just so tired all the time. All I ever want to do is nap. I can’t wake up in the morning unless it’s absolutely time to get up for work. When I get home, I am sleepy, I have a headache, and I need to feed the dogs. By the time I feel relaxed and possibly motivated to go to the gym, my favorite shows have started. After my shows, it’s 9:00 p.m. and it’s a good time to go to the gym. However, this is where discouragement plays a role. Every time I mention that I work out in the evening, I am told to try doing it in the morning. I get to the point where I feel like doing a night work-out is just futile, like it doesn’t really matter because the sleep is reversing my hard work.

When I focus on strength training (which I much prefer over cardio), I am told that I should be focusing on cardio to burn fat since I am so obese. If I consider an all-cardio plan, I feel like I would lose too much muscle and wouldn’t look thin.

So, I decide that things will be better when I get my Wii for Christmas and can do cardio at home. But I have a perfectly good punching bag already, which I don’t use. My other excuse is that I like to walk outdoors, but it’s much too cold. When it warms up again I’ll get back on the wagon. Another part of me says that weight loss is 80% diet anyway, and my calorie-cutting has been going very well.

I am baffled about my unwillingness to exercise, when I know that my energy levels will skyrocket and I would feel much less groggy if I just move around and start sweating.

I told myself I wouldn’t fall into the winter blues this year, but I guess it’s inevitable. I’m tired, worried about getting laid off at work because the company didn’t profit this year, and I feel like I should be doing much more with myself than just getting up, going to work, and coming home to watch TV and get on the Internet.

Things I want to do or feel like I should be doing:

1. Becoming part of a social club, whether it’s a book club, wine tasting, scrabble, dog lovers, etc. etc.

2. Working on my novel — I want to have a legitimately published book before I die.

3. Cleaning my car, interior and exterior. Cleaning the house, raking the yard, finish driving the rest of the screws in the fence boards in my back yard, burning the post-Gustav debris.

4. Educating myself or at least entertaining myself with books. Can you believe that I’ve written a book and want to write another one, yet I almost never read for fun? I barely read in college, and I have a degree in English.

5. Exercising. Casual games of basketball, walking the dog or playing frisbee with her, or just straight-up treadmill.

But my problem is that whenever I think about doing any of these things, I feel guilty about it, like I should be doing something else instead. So all I do is tell myself I’ll start reading for fun once I am out of college, because I barely read the books I need for class. Now I’m out of college and figure I’ll wait until my wife is out of college, too, so that she’s home more often and can share the chores.

I’ll work on my novel once I finish that big project at work. Once the holidays are over. Once I get the hang of this diet and exercising thing. I’ll do the major cleaning and maintenance stuff around the house…. tomorrow? I’ll join a social club when my wife has more time to herself and can accompany me.

I’ll exercise after my nap.

Rescued a Border Collie last week

But before I get to that, I will say that I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I ate my weight in food, and that’s totally OK. I’m enjoying the massive cheat days while I can, because eating 3500 calories in one day is still a slight calorie deficit for me.  When I lose another 60 pounds, that won’t be the case.

I started this diet on September 22, 2008 at 390 pounds. I now weigh 364.

Now, on to the dog story:

Friday afternoon, my wife came home from work and asked if we could go to the end of the road and pick up a stray border collie running around. It’s an intact male that looks to be about 2 years old. Apparently, people kept running it off of their property and the dog would run out in the road and weave in and out of traffic. So, I agreed we’d keep it in our yard for a few days, put up fliers and whatnot, and see if anyone claims it.

Unfortunately, we were too late. It had already been hit by a pickup truck, twice, according to a couple of emo teens walking around the neighborhood. We saw it laying in an old man’s yard, and the man was sitting next to it; he was going to call animal control because the vet was going to charge 50% for any care it gives the dog. The dog’s underbelly was all cut and skinned up, as well as his back legs. He had skin punctures around his pelvic region.

We took him to the vet and got some meds for him. The vet said there were no visual signs of broken bones, and the scrapes did not go past the skin. In her words, he’s a very lucky dog.

Now he’s in my hall bathroom for his own good. Friday night, he was drugged up from the morphine type stuff that the vet gave him. He lay in a corner by the toilet and wouldn’t eat or drink. Saturday morning, we got him to hobble outside to pee. His pee was brown, which means there was some blood in it. The vet said this is normal and that it’s fresh, red blood that I need to worry about.

As of today, he’s hobbling pretty well on three legs, eating his food, and going to the bathroom regularly. It seems like he’s housetrained, too, and he is a very loving dog.

My initial goal was to find its owner or give it to a border collie rescue group. And now, after only four days, we’ve decided to keep him. My wife’s reason is that she’s just an animal lover. My reason is that this dog — being an intact male with no ID or rabies tags, no microchip, and an owner who has yet to respond to our fliers and ads — was just hit by a truck. He doesn’t deserve anything else stressful to happen to him. He obviously feels safe in my bathroom, and it’s only a matter of time before he feels safe in my house and with us in general. There’s no reason to give him to a rescue group to have him possibly boomerang between owners. I think his troubles should stop here.

Don’t get me wrong; I would hate for someone to find my dog and decide to keep it, so I am giving the owner a chance to reclaim him. He has until Friday. I think a week is long enough to figure out that your dog is missing. By law, I can keep the dog regardless because he has no identification. There is no proof he belongs to anyone.

During this ordeal, I’ve learned a couple things:

1. I am a dog lover, not an animal lover — I’ve been getting a lot of pats on the back for doing this for the dog, but I must confess that there are few animals I would do this for. I don’t think I’d help a cat, and even a dog that looked wild and grungy and possibly dangerous would probably be off my list of animals to save. I took the dog to the vet because I thought I was saving somebody’s pet. I’m keeping the dog because he was somebody’s pet. If the same thing happened to another dog tomorrow, I would probably call animal control instead. This one good deed is the extent of my resources.

2. Vets Do Think Practically — if they don’t stand to profit much from you. The local vet I went to offered a 50% discount on treatment since it was a stray. The dog was given a shot of pain medicine and sent home with antibiotics and pain pills. No X-rays, no stitching because she knew I wasn’t an overzealous dog owner. I was just helping out a stray. She made an educated assessment of the dog’s injuries by watching how he walked; she told me his scrapes would heal; she told me to monitor his urine for fresh blood. $47 in vet bills.

I called the vet back today to ask if the limping was normal or if it was a sign of a fracture, and the vet said it might limp for a couple of weeks.

My vet, the fancy one in the city, would’ve done an x-ray, prescribed 30 different precautionary drugs, stitched the dog up, put him in a body cast, and probably board him overnight. I guess they just gauge your level of committment to an animal and price accordingly.

So, I’ve got a third dog. Way in over my head here.

This is him, injured and scared. We're naming him Edgar.