Slipping (weight loss, week 12)

Not with my diet, but with exercise.

I still eat my usual calorie range. I have cheat meals on the weekends, but I never eat more calories than I burn (Thanksgiving being the exception). I am eating decent food. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains. Even the frozen meals I’ve become so dependent on are healthy in terms of calories and nutritional value. I’ve taken a liking to the organic frozen meals made by Kashi, Amy’s Kitchen, and Archer Farms, all of which contain “food” ingredients instead of flavorings and chemicals.

I haven’t fallen back into any unhealthy eating patterns because I allow myself to go out to eat once a week. I’m proud of myself for being able to do that and make it a habit.

If only I could do so well with exercise.

At first, I was going to the gym several times week. It’s close enough to my house that I can’t make any excuses about inconvenience, but I’m just so tired all the time. All I ever want to do is nap. I can’t wake up in the morning unless it’s absolutely time to get up for work. When I get home, I am sleepy, I have a headache, and I need to feed the dogs. By the time I feel relaxed and possibly motivated to go to the gym, my favorite shows have started. After my shows, it’s 9:00 p.m. and it’s a good time to go to the gym. However, this is where discouragement plays a role. Every time I mention that I work out in the evening, I am told to try doing it in the morning. I get to the point where I feel like doing a night work-out is just futile, like it doesn’t really matter because the sleep is reversing my hard work.

When I focus on strength training (which I much prefer over cardio), I am told that I should be focusing on cardio to burn fat since I am so obese. If I consider an all-cardio plan, I feel like I would lose too much muscle and wouldn’t look thin.

So, I decide that things will be better when I get my Wii for Christmas and can do cardio at home. But I have a perfectly good punching bag already, which I don’t use. My other excuse is that I like to walk outdoors, but it’s much too cold. When it warms up again I’ll get back on the wagon. Another part of me says that weight loss is 80% diet anyway, and my calorie-cutting has been going very well.

I am baffled about my unwillingness to exercise, when I know that my energy levels will skyrocket and I would feel much less groggy if I just move around and start sweating.

I told myself I wouldn’t fall into the winter blues this year, but I guess it’s inevitable. I’m tired, worried about getting laid off at work because the company didn’t profit this year, and I feel like I should be doing much more with myself than just getting up, going to work, and coming home to watch TV and get on the Internet.

Things I want to do or feel like I should be doing:

1. Becoming part of a social club, whether it’s a book club, wine tasting, scrabble, dog lovers, etc. etc.

2. Working on my novel — I want to have a legitimately published book before I die.

3. Cleaning my car, interior and exterior. Cleaning the house, raking the yard, finish driving the rest of the screws in the fence boards in my back yard, burning the post-Gustav debris.

4. Educating myself or at least entertaining myself with books. Can you believe that I’ve written a book and want to write another one, yet I almost never read for fun? I barely read in college, and I have a degree in English.

5. Exercising. Casual games of basketball, walking the dog or playing frisbee with her, or just straight-up treadmill.

But my problem is that whenever I think about doing any of these things, I feel guilty about it, like I should be doing something else instead. So all I do is tell myself I’ll start reading for fun once I am out of college, because I barely read the books I need for class. Now I’m out of college and figure I’ll wait until my wife is out of college, too, so that she’s home more often and can share the chores.

I’ll work on my novel once I finish that big project at work. Once the holidays are over. Once I get the hang of this diet and exercising thing. I’ll do the major cleaning and maintenance stuff around the house…. tomorrow? I’ll join a social club when my wife has more time to herself and can accompany me.

I’ll exercise after my nap.