Love advice with smacksfrog part III

Dear Smacksfrog,

My boyfriend feels I have things to hide. So he snoops, and snoops and snoops until he uncovers something, anything. He still says I am secretive. Of what, I don’t know, and he can’t answer it for me because it’s obviously a secret. Nothing is private, my phone, my laptop, my posts on message boards, not even my room when I am downstairs. He says this is normal behavior for men, as they feel territorial.
Now, I have left out a lot of background about him and me because I feel it’s a simple question. But I will say, I have not cheated on him. I’ve never cheated on anyone and am in general an honest person. I don’t have time to deal with his trust issues. How can I get him to stop?

- Invaded

Dear Invaded,

The problem with snooping is that people can easily get addicted to it. They’ll develop paranoia without a cause and become increasingly frustrated and paranoid as they continue to come up empty-handed in their quest to justify their distrust.

If you tell him to quit, he’ll probably just become more efficient with snooping without your knowledge. Your boyfriend will assume you have even more to hide or that he’s getting closer to finding a big secret about you.

No, this isn’t normal for anyone. A lot of men might say it’s the exact opposite; women are supposed to be the obsessive snoops. Regardless of who does it, snooping can and will destroy a relationship. It’s sabotage, and that sort of behavior isn’t “normal.”

You could do the noble thing and try to figure out the trigger for his paranoia – a past relationship, abandonment, childhood issues, etc. – or you could do what’s best for yourself and end the relationship. I’d choose the latter, but I won’t say that’s the right decision. I’ll leave that up to you to decide.

I would end the relationship simply because I don’t believe he can stop. Your boyfriend might be able to cut back on his snooping, and you can control it by changing your passwords, securing the files on your laptop, changing your usernames online and locking up other personal items. But why would you want to live like that? This is your boyfriend, not a stranger.

The more you hide your personals, the stronger his suspicions will become. On top of that, you probably understand that his number one reason for snooping is to find evidence of infidelity. Generally, people end relationships on the basis of infidelity. Is he looking for a reason to break up with you? I’d save him the trouble.

Breaking up with him will probably lead him to believe you were indeed hiding something and the guilt got to you, but that’s not your problem. You don’t have time to deal with his trust issues, and you shouldn’t have to make time.

Love advice with Smacksfrog part II

Dear Smacksfrog,

My fiancée has turned into a Bridezilla. We’ve been engaged for over a year, and we plan to get married next summer. But she’s already started to plan the wedding and has me and her bridesmaids acting as slaves to her. I understand all women get this way before a wedding, but I never thought my fiancée would be one of those types. She’s generally laid back, almost lazy sometimes. But damn, not with this wedding. She’s already told me I have to drop one of my groomsmen because he wouldn’t look good in photos!

She’s been treating me like a ghost, like I am a trivial part of all this. I swear, someone else could show up to the wedding and stand in my place and she wouldn’t even notice. Am I supposed to take this crap and just let her be a bitch for the next 11 months?

- Run Ragged

Dear Ragged,

This might be one of the douchiest things I’ve ever said, but you need to man up. Your question should read: “If she’s being unbearably selfish throughout the wedding planning process, should I reconsider marrying her?”

Answer: Yes.

I hear about it all the time: “My fiancée’s being a selfish bitch,” or more specifically, “She disapproves of my groomsmen selection” and “She’s treating her friends like common garbage, and they’re just taking it.”

Some people will shrug it off as the norm and say she deserves to get what she wants and call the shots. After all, this is her special day and should be perfect down to the last detail.

And if it isn’t perfect, God help us all. Right? Wrong.

My take on this is simple. If she’s being a monster about perfecting half a day’s worth of activities 11 months ahead of time, it’s probably a good sign that she a) cannot handle responsibility, b) has a repressed materialistic attitude, c) has undisclosed visions of married life that you don’t agree with, and d) is not fit to be your wife.

Granted, these are generalizations, possibly of a more extreme nature than I’m considering at this moment, but your question shows me you’ve reached a threshold of tolerance that most men would ignore because they think all women are selfish by nature.

Your question is whether you have “to take this crap” until the wedding, and I don’t think you do. I don’t think any man does.

Despite the day being primarily about the bride, this doesn’t give her the right to let go of her inhibitions and crap on everybody’s efforts. A bride-to-be should have the ability to rationally dictate the makings of the big day while maintaining her dignity. She has the right to make realistic requests of her wedding party, set reasonable deadlines for milestones, and plan for preliminaries within the realm of humaneness. The bride-to-be is essentially a boss, and a bad boss doesn’t get very far.

Your fiancée has no right to tell you who can be your groomsmen, especially not on the basis of aesthetics. She should make an effort to include you in the planning process, and you should make an effort to participate. You should be acknowledged as half the reason this wedding is taking place. You should be able to continue a healthy relationship with her – the same healthy relationship you had before the engagement – uninterrupted. If these things are not within her capabilities, you are not actually in a healthy relationship.

Brides argue that they have a right to be selfish and nasty “just this once” because it’s the “one day” that’s all about them.

Bull shit.

Women are allotted many days throughout their lives on which the world should revolve around them – birthdays, Valentine’s Day, pregnancy, Mother’s Day, anniversaries, just to name a few. They are well-deserved days, but the attention should be received with the same level of dignity each time.

With your fiancée, one thing’s for sure: This attitude is a precursor to her evolution as a wife, and there are plenty more “special” days to come.

And now for the advice: Show her this post. There is no nice way around this. She’s being unbearable, and if you are absolutely sure she’s the woman you want to marry, you have to let her know what you think about her new behavior. Then let her go whine to her bridesmaids about it and hope that one of them is heroic enough to take your side. And make it clear that there’s a real possibility of you dropping out of all this. Despite your ghost-like presence, there actually can’t be a wedding without you

Love advice with smacksfrog

Somewhere, I do an insignificant relationship advice column. I’d like to start giving more no-holds-barred advice elsewhere, and perhaps this blog would be a good start. So, starting today I am offering my relationship-advice services free of charge, anonymity intact. If you have a question, post a comment and I’ll answer it in a separate entry. If this becomes popular, I might make an e-mail account for this purpose. I don’t just give love advice, by the way. Ask me anything.

Let’s start with an old relationship question, just so you can see how I usually give advice and whether it’s worth your while.

Dear smacksfrog,

I’ve known this guy for a few years, and I consider him my best friend. He was in a relationship and recently broke up with his girlfriend who he had been dating for a year. He came to me for comfort, and I did the best friend thing of trying to give him advice and help him feel better about everything. Now, he’s decided he wants her back and believes she’s the girl he wants to marry.

Personally, I don’t think she’s worth it, and he was right for breaking up with her the first time, but that’s a different story. I’m writing to you because I think I am falling for my friend, and I want him to know it without him thinking I’m coming on too strong. But at the same time, I want him to know how I feel before he tries to pursue things with his ex again. Help!

- Girl in the Middle
Dear Girl in the Middle,

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. How long have I wanted to be more than friends with him?

2. Is it possible that my feelings for him are mostly based on the recent influx of attention he’s given me in lieu of the breakup?

3. Why was it best for him to break up with his girlfriend?

4. If he wasn’t interested in being my boyfriend, how would that affect the friendship?

5. What is the average length of my past relationships? Why did they end? Am I ready for commitment?

Question one and question two correspond. If you’ve only recently decided that you want to be with him, it’s likely that – as an available woman – you see his recent availability as an opportunity for romantic companionship. Naturally, he’s seeking comfort from his best friend, and it has been at least a year since he’s focused so much of his emotional energy on you. It’s warming to you, and I advise you to think about these circumstances first. I know it will be tempting to cross this speculation out now that I’ve mentioned it, but instead, try to be your own worst critic.

Question three is about that “different story” you mentioned in your letter. It’s not really a different story. Your opinion of his ex-girlfriend influences this situation more than anything else. A slew of subconscious feelings could be directing the progress of your relationship with this guy.

You might find yourself reaping satisfaction if you successfully prevent them from being together, or maybe you feel like she deserves to be dumped and shouldn’t get a chance to have him back. In short, there’s a reason you dislike his ex-girlfriend, likely several reasons that you don’t want say out loud. Make a list, and again, be your own worst critic.

Question four is a test of your selfishness – not that being a little selfish is a bad thing. However, it’s undeniable that your opinion of your friend will change based on his decision to either date you or get back with his ex. Will the closeness remain if he respectfully declines your advances? If not, it’s clear that you’ve put yourself in a position of powerlessness. You’ve allowed your feelings and friendship to be controlled by his ex-girlfriend.

Question five is for your friend’s benefit. Are you someone who strives for commitment, or do you date until you’re bored, or is it somewhere in between? There’s nothing wrong with any of these lifestyles, but it’s wrong to sway a person from pursuing a commitment with someone in favor of a fling with you.

Obviously, you shouldn’t be expected to immediately want to commit to him; you should, however, consider what kind of track record you have with relationships – out of fairness to your friend. If his needs aren’t compatible with your own, you are doing a disservice to your friend and yourself by jumping in the middle of his attempts to get back with his ex.

The argument you present in this situation is clear and somewhat valid: You want to be in a relationship with him, and his ex-girlfriend is not a good person and/or is not right for your friend. Logically, you deserve him, and there’s not much that will change your mind. Out of good faith, however, I’ll throw in one more wrench.

If you believe his ex isn’t right for him, and you believe you are, have you asked yourself why you’re right for him? Millions of people are in relationships that others would call unhealthy, odd or destined for failure. From my experience, a person’s decision-making process is usually universal. If he wants his ex-girlfriend back, it could be a result of codependence or fear of change. If he’s making bad relationship decisions, what makes him right for you? If he’s not interested in your type, what makes him right for you?

I know I haven’t answered your question. I have a nasty habit of doing that, but preparation is important. If you feel that you have a legitimate romantic interest in him that his unaffected by outside influences, all I can advise you to do is tell him how you feel, plain and simple, loud and clear. If he ever had an interest in you, this will probably be the moment you find out. But don’t go into this expecting to change his mind.